We humans tend to live our lives in patterns, some of which can be healthy and others not so much. Individual acts and behaviors have their meaning or significance within patterns. Games are patterns: Throwing dice and moving little metal pieces around a piece of cardboard make little sense when taken on their own. However, when these things happen playing a board game such as Monopoly, they make sense and have meaning.
Three types of patterns
It is worthwhile to pay attention to several types of patterns; they are different but related. When combined, they create a background/context against which our actions are made possible and have meaning. A pattern is simultaneously:
- a repeating and regular way of something happening, such as entries in a bookkeeping ledger.
- an arrangement of lines and shapes, such as what appears in a fabric design. Think of plaid.
- a set of instructions for making something such as a dress. The pattern indicates what a person should do and in what order.
Our daily living patterns become invisible to us because they are habitual and familiar. To us, they just seem normal and natural. Many of us have morning routines that we follow; these are patterns in the three senses above. They serve us well in much of our daily life because they enable us to do what needs to be done in an efficient way. It is only when something happens differently or goes wrong that the patterns become very clear.
Patterns can be large and complex, such as how we socialize and connect with others. Some of those patterns involve when, where, how, and with whom we drink. For many, these patterns will not present problems. For some, the problems will become significant.
Addictive patterns
Our behaviors of using addictive substances and engaging in addictive behaviors start to create and then follow patterns in all three of these senses:
- Pattern: Mary always stops on the way home to pick up a bottle of wine to open once she starts cooking. She has two glasses with dinner and finishes the bottle while watching television.
- Pattern: These cooking, eating, and viewing activities shape or design her evening. They shape the meaning of her behaviors; she sees these activities as ones she deserves for working so hard.
- Pattern: Mary believes that this is what she must do to unwind and reward herself for surviving another day at work.
Such patterns start to make our alcohol use feel inevitable or outside our control. They become normal and contribute to our belief that this is just how things are.
Our using patterns creates or fortifies other patterns in our lives that can hurt us. Patterns can overlap and crisscross. Some of us apologize for anything and everything, even if what happens has little to do with us. We may believe that doing so makes up for all the things we have done wrong. Others strike a more defiant pose, never acknowledging any responsibility for their actions.
Some create patterns of self-sabotage while others try to be perfect in absolutely everything. These approaches are equally harmful, but in different ways.
Creating healthier patterns
Patterns become visible to us when they are interrupted. For people drinking or using other drugs, a scary binge might reveal a pattern. A bad run of sports betting makes that familiar behavior strange. Seeing yourself in another can do the same thing. Realizing that you have become the very thing you promised you would never be throws using patterns into clear relief: Now you see them, but what can you do?
Changing individual acts and behaviors can have a profound impact on the patterns with which someone has led their lives. This can be simultaneously liberating and challenging. Consider Mary’s situation above:
- Pattern: Mary may choose to drive home a different way so she doesn’t have to pass the liquor store. The change in route would relieve her of having to make a decision that is more habit and less intentional choice.
- Pattern: Mary may realize that she convinced herself that drinking while cooking was part of the enjoyment. Only when she isn’t drinking does she realize that she was taking very little pleasure in what she was eating. In some ways, the wine was her main course. In taking pleasure in the cooking itself, she is better able to take pleasure in what she has cooked. She may also find she is better able to focus her attention on other activities that bring her pleasure. It can be enjoyable to read a good book and not fall asleep/pass out with her face in the book.
- Pattern: By not drinking so much in the evenings, Mary may realize that her work feels different to her. Perhaps with a clearer head and better sleep, she can tackle work assignments with new vigor. She may be less irritable with co-workers now that her head isn’t pounding. Her need to unwind in the ways she did through drinking lessens.
Mary’s work may still be awful but she knows she is not defined by her work alone. She may be better able to keep work in a healthy proportion; it does not determine the quality of her life. Instead, she can find new activities and connections with others that were not possible when she was drinking alone at home. Unwinding from work and rewarding herself begin to look very different from how they did when she was drinking.
Intention matters enormously because it was exactly what was lacking when we developed unhealthy and addictive patterns. Creating healthier patterns requires intention, willingness, and hard work. We also need patience—and to show ourselves a little grace.