There is enormous value in knowing you have a problem with alcohol, other drugs, and behaviors like gambling and scrolling TikTok. This knowledge is often hard won as we must overcome various forms of self-deception that help to preserve the view that there is nothing wrong.
We may have denied, rationalized, and minimized until we were blue in the face. We might have tried some nifty feats of misdirection, pointing to others who are in far worse shape, used more “dangerous” drugs, or who lost more. Other times we might point to all that is going well in our lives, as if we could balance the scales that way.
At some point, though, we couldn’t avert our gaze and the truth of our problem became undeniable.
Where do you go once you accept you have a problem? Acceptance leads down at least two paths. The first is the path of resignation, where a person believes that this is just how they are and that there is nothing they can do about it. Perhaps they have been sober for a stretch of time but pick up again. This is taken as proof that they cannot change. Acceptance about their problem morphs into certainty that they cannot change. This is a dangerous and potentially fatal progression.
The second one stemming from acceptance is the readiness path. Perhaps someone has simply had enough; the drawbacks significantly outweigh the benefits. The benefits have long fled the scene. Some of us reach a point where we believe that we have nothing to lose in trying. So, try we do.
The readiness path requires that we shift our gaze. Better yet, we need to be able to look side to side, forward and backward, up and down. When we are active in our addictions, many of us focus primarily on the past and so only look backward. We fixate on who we used to be, what happened to us, what we’ve lost, and how others may have wronged us. Focusing primarily on the past runs the risk that we will slide down onto the path of resignation.
We need to strike a balance between looking up so that we can see a way forward while also glancing down so that we don’t trip. We can’t look too far down the path because we might trip over an obstacle that is only one step away. This is why people recommend thinking in shorter increments of time. Instead of saying, I will never have a drink again, you might reframe it as, I am not going to have this drink right here and right now. You may have to say that to yourself repeatedly in the beginning. If you look too far in the future, you run the risk of sliding onto the path of resignation. If the prospect of never drinking or using again flattens you, you might replace readiness with resignation.
We need to look side to side as well. We need to be aware of our surroundings. Early in the process of changing our behaviors, we often are in familiar places where we used. We are often surrounded by many of the same people. While our focus may be on these, once we start changing our behaviors, we may notice different and new things. We may see that there are other options in addition to using. In the past, these may have been invisible to us.
In looking side to side, we may see that some people are more supportive of us than we ever could have imagined. We may also see people who used like us but no longer do. We see people who have changed and who now live in ways that make them healthier and happier. These people give us hope, which may have been in short supply for much of life. That hope is a powerful driver of readiness.
Being ready to recover can alter the trajectory of your life.
First published in Psychology Today