The word “ambivalent” comes from the roots “ambi” meaning “both” and “valentia” meaning “strength.” To be ambivalent about something is to be pulled in opposite directions. There is nothing wishy-washy about ambivalence; it is not a form of dithering. To be ambivalent is to be held in tension by two strong conflicting beliefs or attitudes. There is a great possibility when inhabiting this tension.
Consider the tension rod, used in any kind of suspended structure such as a bridge. Tension rods must be responsive to the conditions in which they are used and to the purposes of their use. Tension rods help to bear and distribute weight and can provide dynamic stability. They are feats of engineering.
Being ambivalent about drinking is not surprising. Our culture places so much value on alcohol as the animating force in social settings. We believe hard times warrant a drink. Celebrations warrant a drink. Just about everything can justify having a drink in US culture. We often feel as if we deserve or are entitled to drink and it is no one else’s business. But perhaps some feel as if the fun is gone, or there’s too much pressure to drink, or their drinking is coming at a cost they do not want to bear, or drinking worsens aging and other medical issues. People want to change their drinking and they do not want to change it. Welcome to the tension.
Here are several questions to ask yourself about the tension-ambivalence that might give you important insight into your drinking:
- What are the circumstances in which the wanting to drink side is more forceful? The not wanting to drink side? Ask yourself: who are the people with whom this happens and where does it happen? Paying attention to the shifts in the force of the pulls will help you to identify situations in which you might feel some pressure or conversely, feel no pressure. That may help you to make more informed decisions about putting yourself in those circumstances.
- Do your friends support your choice to try Dry January? If some of them are undertaking Dry January in solidarity with you, they will never pressure you. If you feel that someone is trying to get you to drink or they want you to fail, that counts as important information. If you feel like you are caught in a tug of war and your drinking is their prize, that friend may not be acting in your best interest. If you have the sense someone is taking your attempts not to drink as a judgment about their drinking, that person’s support is questionable.
- Do you feel better not drinking? Explore your physical, psychological, and social health. You might also ask yourself what you’ve been able to do that you hadn’t been able to do while drinking. This may give insight into the ways that drinking may be harming your health in surprising ways.
- What have you lost during Dry January? Here is where the tension may be felt acutely. Some might find that their friendship circle seems to have changed. Others may find they have lost some sociability. Those losses need to be considered as you evaluate how Dry January has worked for you and if you want to extend it beyond the month.
- Finally, consider your original purposes in undertaking the experiment of Dry January. Do you have a better sense of why those purposes prompted your attempt? Do they still? Did new purposes arise in the context of the month?
Dry January is a voluntary opportunity to explore your drinking. It need not be an all-or-nothing approach. Not drinking for the month is aspirational; it is a goal or a hope. Where and when you didn’t meet that goal may contain the most important insights. Not meeting a goal perfectly in the short run may make it more likely to meet it in the long run. That’s a productive tension.
Originally published on psychologytoday.com December 31, 2024